From: masticol@cs.rutgers.edu
Date: 13 Aug 91 23:30:05 GMT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: The New Jersey Environmentalist Manifesto

(The following is original. -S.)


                     T H E   N E W   J E R S E Y
                                    
         E N V I R O N M E N T A L I S T    M A N I F E S T O


The following Eight Point Manifesto has been developed by the
environmentalists of New Jersey to help maintain the quality of life
here in the Garden Apartment State. Due to our constant vigilance and
deep concern, we no longer have problems like the endangerment of the
Spotted Owl and the Salmon. In fact, we don't have any birds or fish
to give us problems at all. New residents should memorize this
Manifesto and put it into practice in their daily lives.


1. Litter:      The New Jersey Environmentalist throws it out his car
                window, whereupon it becomes someone else's problem.
                (And who cares about them, anyway?) After all, you'd
                have to _walk_ (EECH!) to get to a trash can.  

2. Open Space:  Found inside malls. The really big ones, of course.
                Building malls is a good way to conserve space that
                would otherwise go to waste in some useless woods or
                farm.

3. Fresh Air:   Comes from central air conditioning. Best if kept at
                64 degrees F or below. It's normal to wear sweaters in
                the middle of a heat wave. The New Jersey
                Environmentalist keeps all windows tightly closed at
                all times, so that the Fresh Air is not contaminated
                by anything from The Outdoors (see below.)

4. The Outdoors: This is the space you have to _walk_ through (EECH!)
                to get from the air-conditioned buildings to the
                air-conditioned car. That is, unless the car is in an
                air-conditioned parking deck. The true New Jersey
                Environmentalist supports the latter, because then
                he's always inside in the Fresh Air.

5. Plants:      The New Jersey Environmentalist realizes the need for
                plants. Plants have two uses, depending on their size.
                The little ones are useful for spraying with ChemLawn.
                (Make sure your children stay inside in the Fresh Air
                after you have done this.) The big ones (i.e. trees)
                should be cut down to make room for more strip malls,
                to conserve Open Space.

6. Energy:      The New Jersey Environmentalist conserves his energy
                by driving everywhere he has to go, and many places he
                doesn't. Otherwise, he'd have to _walk_ (EECH!) to get
                places. It's dangerous walking in The Outdoors,
                because there are so many cars there. The bigger your
                car is, the better, because there's more Open Space
                and Fresh Air inside.

7. Recycling:   Why bother? Nobody else does. New Jersey residents
                don't want a bottle bill, because it would
                inconvenience everybody and result in over six layoffs
                in the bottle industry around Glassboro. The New Jersey
                Environmentalist recycles his garbage, old tires, and
                dead refrigerators by converting them into Litter (see
                above).  

8. Wetlands:    This usually means the Shore, where they've gotten rid
                of a lot of yucky marshes to build beautiful condos
                and strip malls. Every Friday, the New Jersey
                Environmentalist joins the traffic jam on the way to
                the Shore, so that he can have more time in the Fresh
                Air inside his car. He does the same thing on Sunday,
                but this time in the opposite direction. Once at the
                Shore, the New Jersey Environmentalist NEVER goes
                Outdoors, since the Freon from the air conditioners has
                destroyed the ozone layer and he'd get skin cancer.  

                If you must go outside, remember that the proper way to
                enjoy the environment is to do so on one square yard
                of sand, along with half a million other New Jersey
                Environmentalists and their boom boxes. Watch out for
                the syringes, and maybe you can collect a few New
                Jersey Beach Whistles *.

* Discarded tampon applicators.

--
- Steve "Environmentally Incorrect (for New Jersey)" masticol@cs.rutgers.edu.

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